


Goodbye

by polykitty



Category: Original Work
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anorexia, Cutting, Depression, Eating Disorders, Gen, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-24 10:08:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2577647
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/polykitty/pseuds/polykitty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The end of the line. A girl's day in a life dealing with depression. Her last diary entry.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Goodbye

October 7th, 2010

     " _What do you do in a world, in a life, where you have no one? How are you supposed to go on when there is no one to lean against, no one to help you up when you fall down?_ " I write the opening quote on the blank page, another book to be filled with things nobody cares about.

   I continue to write in these books to document me and my thoughts so I won’t be forgotten even if there’s no one who cares. Every moment will be documented for anyone to read them. I will continue until the moment is right, and I think it is soon. I will do so until the end even if I get weird looks that people don’t think I notice, but do. I will continue even if mom asks me what I’m writing in that tone that tells me that she doesn't actually want to know.

   Supper is soon which means I have to endure unwanted family time. The walk from my room to the table seems longer than usual; my legs feel weak. It isn't new; I've gotten used to it. I used to run every day to keep them strong, but I haven’t since I stopped going to school.

   I know everyone wants to be able to stop going to school, but not me. I loved to learn, or I used to. I got straight _A_ s until I couldn’t.

    My family, it seems normal. My older sister Allayna is in college. She’s 19 and the stereotypical cheerleader type. She’s tall with blonde hair and blue eyes. She keeps her hair long enough to put in a ponytail, but not too long. She’s popular and athletic, outgoing and a partier, and average height with average grades. A daughter anyone would want. Light; America, fitting for her, guess. She’s the light of the family. Everyone loves her, and when she smiles, the room brightens. It sounds cliché because it is, but all whom I talk to believe it. I know I should like her, I used to, yet I can’t make myself. I tried and I used to spend time with her to help. I won’t spend time with her anymore; when she looks at me all I see in her eyes is pity and hatred. I am sure the hatred is for me though I am not sure what she pities. I don’t enjoy the time spent with her. It used to be an enjoyable silence, the sisterly kind where you don’t have to talk if you don’t want to, but not anymore. The recent silence is hard and tense, not soft and tender.

    She’s in my usual spot so I’m forced to sit next to my older brother. His name is Eden. Eden, Eden, Eden- the name that fits him like a glove. He lives the meaning of his name. Paradise, Hebrew. Everyone tells him that he lives in paradise, Mom and Dad’s favorite. He gets everything: good grades, the girl he wants, love, praise, friends, everything. Everything I want in life. He graduated from college at the top of his class; he’s 24 and ready for life. He has short brown hair, the same color as mine, and blue eyes. He’s the gentle giant that towers over everyone besides me. I avoid him at all costs, but he seems to seek me out in order to “talk.” I’m not completely sure what we are supposed to talk about, and it’s always painful for me. He preaches about God and how He’ll help me. Help me with what is the real question.

   Dad barely looks at me anymore and hasn’t for months. I used to be the joy of his life then he started drinking. I think he’s disappointed in me, that I couldn’t be his strong little girl anymore. He used to smile at me, even when drunk, and now not even a frown. Tonight it is obvious that he’s been drinking again; he reeks of alcohol and bar smoke. This isn’t a new development. When he first started, it was only occasionally during the month. Then it was once a week until it became daily.

   Mom passes the food around and comments when I don’t take much. I tell her I’m not hungry, but she doesn’t believe me and makes me take more. The food is a waste; I won’t eat more than a few bites. She continues with the usual string of comments:

   “You’re so thin.” Good.

   “You look paler than usual today.” Unlikely.

   “You should eat more.” Not hungry.

   “What have you been doing in your room so long?” None of your business.

   She’s the only one who tries to act like she cares about me, but I know she doesn’t. She never did; I always said or did the right thing. My relationship with her was rocky from the moment I came out. That was also when I lost my friends. After all that, she still acts like the stereotypical good mom so she doesn’t feel guilty or something along those lines.

   Allayna asks me why I didn’t come down to greet her earlier, as if it’s my job or something. Eden asks if I want to talk about my “problems” again after supper. I have no idea what he thinks my problems are because the only problem I think I have is them, and it’s not like I would talk to him about that any day. Dad doesn’t say a word, just blankly stares at his plate while Mom is trying to make conversation with everyone. She sounds extra strained tonight and eventually stops. Supper finishes on a quiet note.

   I finally decide that tonight is going to be the night I leave. I go to the bathroom making sure to lock the door. The last time I didn’t Allayna walked in so now Mom waits by the door and if I take too long she knocks to make sure I respond and don’t hurt myself. It doesn’t stop me and is annoying. I do my usual post-supper rituals. Stay small, be healthy, my motto in life now. Next I grab Mom’s bottle of miscellaneous pills and the bottle of Oxycodone- prescribed painkillers snagged from before I quit my apprenticeship at the pharmacy. I open both bottles setting them on the counter and fill a glass with water. I grab my package of disposable razor blades from under the sink. It looks like the last one. Good. I laugh as I write my last message to myself. _**GOODBYE**_. The blood is a beautiful shade of red as it runs down my fingertips and drips onto the stark white floor. Such a bright color is an amazing contrast that I wish I could paint. I experience thrills as I watch, but I can’t get distracted. I start with the bottle of random pills and refill the glass. I hear the usual pounding on the door. Instead of replying I hurry and down the bottle of painkillers. The door bursts open, but I’ve won for once. I can feel the world disappearing. I start to fall ready to hit the cold floor, but I don’t. I’m leaning against something strong and soft. I look up and see my dad’s face swimming before my eyes. He whispers something I can barely make out.

   “I’m sorry I wasn’t able to help. I’m sorry I let you down my baby girl. You were my strength and I don’t want you to go.”

   Dad can’t keep me up any longer he sways and catches himself on the wall but I drop. I hit the floor hard just like I had wanted in the beginning, but I don’t think I do anymore. I can’t think clearly enough to decide. Someone takes my hand; it feels like Allayna’s soft feminine hands. Something wet hit my hand followed by more. She’s crying, sobbing that it’ll be ok and she’ll take care of me like when we were younger as she tries to pull to my feet, but I'm starting to fade and I stay on the floor with her next to me. I hear Mom in the background on the phone. I only catch bits as I slip in and out of the light.

   “Please send-! -my daughter- think she- Oxy-!” _She cares._

   Eden puts my head on his lap and strokes my hair, telling me he’ll always be there for me and that they’ll be here to help me soon. Is he talking about whomever Mom was talking to or the angels he is always talking about? I hope it is his angels because it will make him happy. Oh, he’s still talking, but I didn’t notice.

   “I should have tried harder. I could have done more! Made Mom and Dad get professional help and not just relied on my faith. I know you will be happy up in heaven, but I don’t want you to leave me!”

   He says he should have trusted me more, not just God. It’s the first time I’ve heard him say anything against his God. I want to stay too; I'm sorry. I try to lift my hand, but I can’t.

* * *

 

    Her name was Shylah, and even though her name may have meant strong, Ireland, she wasn’t strong enough on her own. She used to be the perfect student, child, friend, and sibling until her depression and anxiety destroyed her will to try or survive. She stopped doing her homework, going to school, or coming out of her room. She stopped eating in order to be smaller still and eventually resorted to throwing up the nothing she ate. She cut every night to see the blood flow and to feel the pain because it was the only thing she left besides the emptiness.

   Her father couldn’t stand to see her do this to herself, so he fell into drinking to distract himself from his baby girl destroying herself right in front of him. Her mother couldn’t believe that something so horrible could happen to her strong happy girl so she didn’t get help until it was too late. Allayna tried to act as if nothing was different because she thought if she didn’t acknowledge that she recognized it, it wouldn’t be real. Eden tried to help in the way he knew how; he couldn’t do enough for her. Although he turned to a faith that comforted him, he did not realize that it didn’t do the same for his little sister.

   " _Someone is always there for you, even if you don’t see them. There will be a person who cares for you and another to catch you if you fall even if you don’t think so. I will always be there for you."_ The inscription that Eden chose for Shylah’s grave was memorized from blankly staring at her grave every year three times a year: her birthday, her death date, and his own birthday. This is what he thinks when he remembers his little sister who was ripped from this world early. He blames himself, but continues and perseveres in memory of his favorite person who was torn from his life before her time.


End file.
